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Top Five Reasons to Get a Divorce

by Neil Ryan

  1. You hate your spouse!
  2. There is no greater gift in life than falling in love. And just like that awesome skateboard your parents bought you when you were in sixth grade, after a few years even the best gifts lose their appeal. Well, love is no different. You fall for someone, marry them, and aggressively start to hate them within like two months. There is no more crippling feeling in the world than denying your urges to have sex with a complete stranger off Craigslist because somebody you used to be fond of is lying down on the couch at home, farting in their sweatpants and waiting to bug the ever-loving shit out of you about things you don't care about. Time to move on and bulk-buy some STD tests to keep in your glove compartment.

  3. You hate your kids!
  4. Children. They're the best thing that's ever happened to you. For a fucking week. Then they cry, shit, piss, act like idiots and beg you for money for the next twenty-five years. Well, what's the best way to deal with these humans who inspire rage and depression in the deepest depths of your soul? Cut your time with them directly in half. With one signature, you can decrease your parental responsibilities down to 3 ½ days a week, leaving plenty of time to do the things you really want: Get drunk at Chili's, eat bottomless tortilla chips and try to have sex in public bathrooms with other divorcees. Take that, soccer practice!

  5. You love your kids!
  6. Hey, maybe you're not like everyone else in the world who look at their kids with the same disdain the Trumps look at their landscapers. Maybe your kids have had caring parents and have lived a comfortable, meaningless existence with no adversity or challenges to overcome. Congratulations, you just raised a kin of crybaby pussies. Luckily, there's no better way to toughen up a kid and get her ready for the real world than splitting up her parents, shattering her entire existence and destroying her ability to feel love. When she gets promoted to assistant manager at TD Bank when she's 45 years old and lonely, she'll visit your grave and thank you.

  7. You hate yourself!
  8. Listen, I'm not going to tell you that if you hate yourself getting a divorce will solve all your problems. In all likelihood removing yourself from the one environment on Earth where people care about you will be a brutal gut punch that you regret almost immediately. A gambler like myself would probably bet the house on you offing yourself and scoring a small fortune in their local Suicide Pool. But, all that being said, if you are feeling a little mopey, what have you got to lose cutting ties with your family and breaking out on your own? Aside from your existence as a living, breathing person with value and promise, absolutely nothing! And while the pessimists of the world would have you believe you need to look inward to improve yourself, remember that self-improvement and bettering oneself is for neo-liberal reactionaries and recovering alcoholics.

  9. Switch things up!
  10. Let's face it. Life can get pretty monotonous. You wake up, shit blood, go to work, come home, convince yourself you don't have cancer (yet), eat dinner, dream of killing yourself, then wake up and do it all over again. The prospect of living an exciting life is gone and never coming back. That is, unless, you decide to divorce your spouse that you've built a life with and develop a crippling addiction to narcotics and pills. You ever do a line of blow off a dive bar bathroom sink while destroying your credit with round after round of Bushmills? Well buckle up, partner, fun is back!

About the Author

Neil Ryan is a Brooklyn-based comedy writer of short films, essays and teleplays. Before settling in Brooklyn, Neil was a managing editor at Barstool Sports, a contributing writer at ProvGuide, English teacher and an all-around happier person. He graduated from the University of Rhode Island with a double major in Journalism and Political Science, the academic equivalent of investing your life savings in rotary phones and pessimism. He's currently kept the lone plant in his apartment alive for nearly six months, which is his greatest accomplishment in his nearly three decades on Earth.